Warning: This will be a very emotional, gloomy, bitter, draggy and maybe a little bit morbid post.
Leave now if you can't handle it or stay and not judge me. Because I need somewhere to dispose of all these emotions that I have in me, rather than bottling up everything. So you have been warned!
I used to be very carefree and happy, just being me. Now, I am a mess - mildly depressed, hopeless, sad and weepy, pathetic, lonely, homesick, angry and confused. And I have to pretend that I am okay all the time (which is not right at all).
I've been standing at the crossroad for months now, I honestly thought I gotten over with crying after 1.5 week not crying, but holy mother of shitballs; I cried again last night; TWICE - by the street with heaps of people walking by (that was embarrassing) and at home for 3 good hours until I fell asleep (for god's sake). After all the crying and eyes getting swollen, I still feel like crying while on the way to work or even now. :'(
Making life decisions are always hard and difficult, I reckon. However, we cannot just chuck it aside, not deal with it. At some point in life, we have to make those decisions.
One - is going to be permanent and forever.
Not further elaboration needed. Is one of those big decisions where it will probably change your life to some extend. Whether the outcome is going to be good or bad, you have to live with it for the rest of your life. Yes, is going to be permanent and probably no turning back. There is no easy way out of this, you just need to have faith and take the plunge.
Two - there will be consequences.
Note-to-self: No back door to escape but to face it straight on; good or bad. Is alright if is not the best or ideal outcome, it will be okay and don't worry. Be happy and don't be too hard on yourself.
Three - is going to be hard not hurting/disappoint people on the way.
The people around you will be affected especially the ones you love very much. But it would be great to get all the support that you can get such as family and friends. They might or may disagree with your decisions but is always good to have them on your team and know that they have your back despite any outcomes. Also, is good to know/have a place you can fall back to. So, do not burn your bridges, get them on board!
Four - there will always be doubts.
Doubts like "Am I making the right decisions?", " Are they going to disown me?", "Are they going to be mad at me forever?", "Are we going to be okay?". "Is this going to be another mistake?" I honestly don't know what's going to happen. We plan things, but things don't go according to the plan most of the time anyways. To be frank, I hate it very much when things don't go my way or the way I plan it; because I'm anal like that and I'm a planner. What can I do but to embrace it? So Colleen, don't worry and embrace it!
I have no problem making decisions just issues with trying to please everyone or wanting to get the most ideal and best outcome for others (where I please the most people or hurt the less people with my decision making). I suppose at the back of my mind, I am the eldest in my family so I need to be a role model, to be responsible or maybe set an example for my younger siblings and also not wanting to disappoint my parents. I thought what I was doing here is what I wanted, but I come to realized what I'm doing is not what I want at all; is more of what my parents expect me to do. So that's probably why I've been so unhappy with my life in New Zealand. I was unhappy because I haven't been myself for all this while.
Working in New Zealand is a wonderful experience, but I was doing it for the wrong reasons. I was given the opportunity, I took it - it was my choice. Believe me, it wasn't a mistake, but it was for the wrong reason hence this complicated mess and consequences.
I really need someone to tell me is okay to make decisions for yourself and not others. I really need someone to tell me is okay to let go of your struggles and not to be so hard on yourself. I really need someone to tell me is okay to make mistake and look like a fool sometimes. I really need someone to tell me I have to forgive myself for all the mistakes I've made. I really need someone to tell me to worry less about what others think. I really need someone to tell me is alright to choose happiness.
I knew this was gonna happen, and him giving me this wake-up call is a good thing. It made me think of what have I been doing with my life and what I want to do with my life.
Chocolates, alcohol and crying with good company definitely helped with coping with my emotions. I really wish I can be happy and carefree again. I really miss me.
Warning: This will be a very emotional, gloomy, bitter, draggy and maybe a little bit morbid post.
Leave now if you can't handle it or stay and not judge me. Because I need somewhere to dispose of all these emotions that I have in me, rather than bottling up everything. So you have been warned!
I used to be very carefree and happy, just being me. Now, I am a mess - mildly depressed, hopeless, sad and weepy, pathetic, lonely, homesick, angry and confused. And I have to pretend that I am okay all the time (which is not right at all).
I've been standing at the crossroad for months now, I honestly thought I gotten over with crying after 1.5 week not crying, but holy mother of shitballs; I cried again last night; TWICE - by the street with heaps of people walking by (that was embarrassing) and at home for 3 good hours until I fell asleep (for god's sake). After all the crying and eyes getting swollen, I still feel like crying while on the way to work or even now. :'(
Making life decisions are always hard and difficult, I reckon. However, we cannot just chuck it aside, not deal with it. At some point in life, we have to make those decisions.
One - is going to be permanent and forever.
Not further elaboration needed. Is one of those big decisions where it will probably change your life to some extend. Whether the outcome is going to be good or bad, you have to live with it for the rest of your life. Yes, is going to be permanent and probably no turning back. There is no easy way out of this, you just need to have faith and take the plunge.
Two - there will be consequences.
Note-to-self: No back door to escape but to face it straight on; good or bad. Is alright if is not the best or ideal outcome, it will be okay and don't worry. Be happy and don't be too hard on yourself.
Three - is going to be hard not hurting/disappoint people on the way.
The people around you will be affected especially the ones you love very much. But it would be great to get all the support that you can get such as family and friends. They might or may disagree with your decisions but is always good to have them on your team and know that they have your back despite any outcomes. Also, is good to know/have a place you can fall back to. So, do not burn your bridges, get them on board!
Four - there will always be doubts.
Doubts like "Am I making the right decisions?", " Are they going to disown me?", "Are they going to be mad at me forever?", "Are we going to be okay?". "Is this going to be another mistake?" I honestly don't know what's going to happen. We plan things, but things don't go according to the plan most of the time anyways. To be frank, I hate it very much when things don't go my way or the way I plan it; because I'm anal like that and I'm a planner. What can I do but to embrace it? So Colleen, don't worry and embrace it!
I have no problem making decisions just issues with trying to please everyone or wanting to get the most ideal and best outcome for others (where I please the most people or hurt the less people with my decision making). I suppose at the back of my mind, I am the eldest in my family so I need to be a role model, to be responsible or maybe set an example for my younger siblings and also not wanting to disappoint my parents. I thought what I was doing here is what I wanted, but I come to realized what I'm doing is not what I want at all; is more of what my parents expect me to do. So that's probably why I've been so unhappy with my life in New Zealand. I was unhappy because I haven't been myself for all this while.
Working in New Zealand is a wonderful experience, but I was doing it for the wrong reasons. I was given the opportunity, I took it - it was my choice. Believe me, it wasn't a mistake, but it was for the wrong reason hence this complicated mess and consequences.
I really need someone to tell me is okay to make decisions for yourself and not others. I really need someone to tell me is okay to let go of your struggles and not to be so hard on yourself. I really need someone to tell me is okay to make mistake and look like a fool sometimes. I really need someone to tell me I have to forgive myself for all the mistakes I've made. I really need someone to tell me to worry less about what others think. I really need someone to tell me is alright to choose happiness.
I knew this was gonna happen, and him giving me this wake-up call is a good thing. It made me think of what have I been doing with my life and what I want to do with my life.
Chocolates, alcohol and crying with good company definitely helped with coping with my emotions. I really wish I can be happy and carefree again. I really miss me.
Colleen Toh
Foodie. Uber petite. Some therapeutic cooking. Kick boxing.
Malaysia. New Zealand.
And I love chicken rice.
Currently working as a Health Educator (Diabetes) in New Zealand!
I hope the little things in life can make me happy again!
For business: zhtohcolleen@yahoo.com
Bungy jumping
Sky diving
Watch a live NBA match
Magic mushroom
Disneyland
Universal Studio Trip to UK
Trip to USA
Trip to Hawaii
Trip to Amsterdam Trip to Queenstown
Trip to Japan
Trip to Ohrid
Trip to Korea Trip to Pataya Trip to Bangkok
Trip to Redang
Trip to Bali
Trip to Gold Coast Trip to Paris
Trip to Rome
Trip to Hong Kong
Trip to Maldives Trip to Taiwan
Mistakes
